Today was a very emotional day for me. I am not sure if this only happens to me but there are times when something seemingly insignificant happens, turns into a chaotic, crazed, wrathful experience.
I was in the middle lane of the highway and decided to change lanes to the furthest left. Mind you I checked ensure there was enough room and signaled before merging into the left lane. Then I changed lanes. Now this is important right here because there is a belief you did something right followed protocol /procedure that you will get the right results. But, no the person who was a good distance away decided to speed up change lanes and cut right in front of me. I am not sure if the person was claiming position/territory, but I usually don’t let things of this nature get to me. I do live in New York after all.
Something snapped, broke. (The nature of expectation.) I don’t know if I was holding too much in (being always cautious and careful). Me always being rational, reasonable and usually just calm. Me the stable, focus, emotionally intact human being lose it? I lost it over something trivial, insignificant, an everyday occurrence. What happened? Who was I? All I know I got dark fast, something took over my mind, spirit, body…I was so just done. I tried to talking myself, but the more I talked the angrier I got. At some point I started to pray but prayer turned into a rageful rant. I was so frustrated angry, upset but most dangerously important I was vengeful.
I wanted to get her back in the worst way. I mean car crashed into a wall of flames burnt body parts spewed all over the concrete ground. The darkness wouldn’t move it persist, it stayed and I knew I had to turn to God. Something was eating me up and it wasn’t this. I wanted to allow myself this small victory and even when I passed her for a brief moment. I refused to engage in battle, I wasn’t going to allow this to turn me into something I knew I wasn’t. Because I realized it wasn’t about her.
My rage is coming from a place allot deeper. The road represented my journey, my eagerness to get to my destination.( I knew this because in the midst of my rant I kept thinking about all the times I have been neglected, used, abused and not taken into consideration.) Although I wasn’t being cut off from it but delayed and in my hurry I couldn’t afford the distraction, I couldn’t afford the hesitation.
I didn’t want it to be in the obstacle but that’s life and I was tired, tired and fed up with being good, patient, and kind. Fed up with being overlooked tired of feeling insignificant and insecure. I cried and I raged, cried and raged some more.
After I regained my composure. I knew what would have been considered a breakdown was a breakthrough. Instead of allowing the situation to be an embarrassing incident, I knew it was an opportunity to let it all out. My frustration, fear, anxiety, disappointment come through to the surface. I had to let the tears fall because I need that cleansing.